Rowan had a lot of feelings, there was a lot in the back of her mind about Elio that was killing her not to say. She loved him more than anything in the world, more than she had any right to, really. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He was never supposed to love her back. The thought sobered Rowan and she sat up, tears still streaming down her face as she looked at Elsie. She was still crying, still shaking. But that was the point, wasn't it, the whole reason she was in this mess. She was supposed to have gotten over him and he was supposed to help her because he couldn't be with her. They would love each other as friends and they would move on. Except, that wasn't what happened at all. Rowan brought her hands up to her mouth with a shaky breath, realising just how much of a mess she'd managed to get herself into. She could never seperate her heart from Elio's now, she'd been too emotionally attached to him from the moment he'd admitted to her why he'd gotten so angry with her on the cliffs. She was angry at him. Deep down she always had been and it explained so much. The jealousy, the communication issues, the little micro annoyances whenever there was something going on. She wasn't his girlfriend, she didn't have a right to his life and yet at the same time, she felt like she did, like maybe he owed her something, and she owed him something too. That thought brought fresh tears and she fell forward into Elsie again, the pain of what was happening spurring everything else. She loved Elio with everything she had and she wanted him to love her just as much. And maybe he did love her that way, but they would never be compatible, not really. She wanted all of his attention all the time and she knew she just couldn't have it and it annoyed, and hurt her. She felt so incredibly guilty about it all the time, because she knew he deserved someone who was loving and affectionate and could give him everything and she was selfishly stealing that from him. She couldn't think of a worse betrayal. Every time he told her he loved her, she only loved him more and more and she knew, she just knew she couldn't live without him. The nine months they'd been seperated had been some of the words months of her life ever and she hadn't even known they were soulmates then. But they were and it sucked and she hated it, but... she didn't want it to stop, because being hurt by Elio being in her life was so much better than being hurt because he was out of it. The pleasure in loving him far outweighed the pain of loving him and that was why she knew she had to stay close, to be his everything, even if it was all emotionally. "I love him so much, it kills me what it's doing to him. I know he hates it, that he feels like he's betraying me every time he so much as leaves me for five minutes..." she said, sighing as she moved away from Elsie slightly. "He loves me just as much as I love him, but he can't give me everything and it kills him, it kills me and we're just in this endless loop of hurting each other, but... I can't stop loving him, it's too deep now. If I never saw him again, I couldn't bear it. The thought of him not being in my life... of not being part of it fills me with absolute terror." She said, wrapping her arms around her knees as she calmed a little. She looked out over the cliffs, realising she'd been crying into Elsie for a lot longer than it seemed. It had been lunch time when she'd gotten here, it had to have been closer to dinner time now. "Elsie... he's the other half of my heart, the only person I could ever feel comfortable enough with for anything, he's..." she smiled lightly. "He's Elio, my Elio, my heart and soul, my bestfriend, my eternity and the love of my life. I could never replace what I have with him, never." In all honesty, she had to admit that she didn't think she ever could have. Something about never forgetting your first love, but, it was different with Elio, because she saw all of this reflected back at her from him. "I get so... jealous of the others," she admitted after having been quiet for a while, the pain in her chest dulling somewhat. "He finds it hard to form emotional attachments with the boys, I think, that's why he has so many girl friends, but... sometimes I just wonder how I'm different... you know?" She asked, looking at the tear filled eyes that Elsie was furiously rubbing at. "There's something that makes me different, I think, but the way he reacts with the others, Alice, Ava, I think, I don't quite understand how I'm different." She admitted, laying her chin carefully on her knees. "I know he sees me and... and there's something in me that he sees that makes me different, but... I don't know what it is. Other relationships are easy, there's... you know... other aspects that differentiate, make it different," she thought briefly back to their recent discussion about Chrys, something like that would make sense to her, but this was hard to grasp. "I mean, I don't want to... you know, because it's Elio, but like..." she sighed again, "I'm lying... I'm such a liar," she couldn't deny that should the situation present itself, of course she'd want to, but, again, this was Elio, she couldn't think about it. "What do I do... I love him and I always will and of course he loves me, but... I never thought about how much I was losing by admitting that."